askanya

Hello people of the internet. I haven’t posted in a while. I realized that part of the reason why, is that while I like answering questions, I was feeling really limited by doing only that. Which brings us to now. Right now I want to talk to you about things that have been coming up a lot in my life. Both for myself and for a lot of my friends. Most recently, that is the subject of risk. Lets start with a little story.

My friend Taylor is newly single. Taylor has decided to focus on reconnecting with friends and making new ones in this time of transition and healing. A problem has arisen with Taylor’s new friend Payton. Most of the time they have fun and Taylor is enjoying the friendships development. However, every now and then Taylor gets mixed signals from Payton. (Mostly when alcohol is present. Shocking, I know.) This is complicated because Taylor does have some interest in Payton in a “more then friends” way, but most of the time Taylor thinks Payton is clearly not interested in being more than friends. Taylor has asked me, “What do I do?” This question is impossible to answer properly without knowing what Taylor wants. Thing is, Taylor doesn’t know either. Taylor then asked me, “What if Payton doesn’t want what I want?” This is where risk comes in. Good things rarely happen without it, but taking risks, takes courage.

I will continue using Taylor’s situation as an example to frame my thoughts on the matter. Of the possibilities I can image for Taylor, the one I find pertinent is that Taylor decides the friendship is what is most valuable and that risking it on the possibility of something more isn’t worth it. Here is what I would advise in this case. I would tell Taylor to have a conversation with Payton and set boundaries. This would only work if Taylor was willing to actually reinforce them and give up the confusing, yet fun and exciting, mixed messages. Taylor’s side of the conversation would then need to go something like this:

“Payton, I love hanging out with you and I am really enjoying the friendship we are developing. There is one thing I am having a bit of a hard time with though. When we are partying and you do (the behavior) I get confused about whether all you want is friendship. To me, people don’t do that with their friends. I know that may not be the case for you and that is totally fine, but I need you to try not to do those types of things with me because they make it hard for me to be friends with you and I would be sad to lose your friendship. Is there anything I can do to help you with that and is there anything you need me to clarify?”

Then Taylor would need to be in partnership with Payton in this endeavor. In that case Taylor and Payton would need to talk about what they each need to make this work. This would include possibly reminding/ pointing things out to Payton if the behaviors continue, and enforcing the boundary Taylor asked for by not participating/ initiating in the questionable behaviors. All of this can be accomplished from the position of working together. Nobody has to be “wrong” for not doing things perfectly, right away. Understand there will be a learning curve.

Now, I know that for most people this would be a very risky and vulnerable thing to do, and it is. The thing most people don’t realize is that, the risk factor here doesn’t make it a bad choice. Instead, it is actually a step toward self confidence and growth as a person. Not that it isn’t uncomfortable. This kind of conversation takes courage.

There are a variety of ways Payton may respond to this. Payton may say something like, “Well, I think you are right about not doing those things with friends, I am sorry that I sent you mixed signals. I value our friendship too and I am happy to work on not doing those behaviors with you.” In this case the friendship is only strengthened. Both people feel like they can trust the other and that they and their needs are respected.

Another possibility is Payton saying this, “Wow Taylor, that’s ridiculous. That is just how I am with my friends and if you aren’t ok with it then I can’t be friends with you.” To most people this seems like the worst scenario. I strongly disagree. It is upsetting, painful, and disappointing, yes. But it is very valuable. If they are not compatible friends why not find out? Ignoring and not addressing this problem isn’t going to make their friendship actually work, and it isn’t going to have Taylor be in less turmoil than ending the friendship, or in trying to pretend the behavior isn’t a problem. Instead both parties get valuable information about the other person and about themselves and their friendship style.

The last possibility I am going to address is Payton saying this, “Taylor, I know we have said we are just friends, but I am interested in more than that with you.” In this situation, Taylor gets to decide if they should explore moving beyond friends. Assuming they decide to do so, Taylor has already set the stage for them both to set boundaries, speak honestly, and make their needs important while being in partnership. Taylor has also deepened the trust and intimacy between them.

So, while risk does seem very scary and difficult, it is usually worth it. At least that is what I have found to be true for myself. Every time that I take a risk by telling my truth, I feel empowered and like I am valuing myself to the level that I want to be valued. You can feel this way too, it just takes time and practice. And yeah, its a never ending journey, but it gets easier, trust me.

Anya out!

Well not really, I am always here for you. Feel free to say something here or email me your thoughts, questions, comments, or what ever I love hearing from you. 🙂

Ask.anya.anything@gmail.com